20121028
20121006
Much more than a simple notebook.
“It’s good to momentarily surrender to the currents, sometimes.”
My memory doesn't seem to be working quite well too,
lately, but as far as I can remember, my computer hasn't been working as it
should since the last 6 months or so. For most people it isn't something very
important or concerning, they just act according to their necessities and
schedules, but it’s different in my case. I just want my computer to work
properly and seem as nice as possible; is that too much to ask for? I say it’s
different in my case because it’s not that easy, and it’s not that easy to me
because of my weakened spirit. It’s that damn lack of willpower, probably a
lack of self-appreciation too, that stops me from doing what I need to do, in
this case be it finding a good computers technician that mends everything there
is to fix about my computer.
This “thing” (as many could like to refer to) is
something really valuable to me. I am not feeling very settled in the mood of
giving it a shot to explain the situation as if it was to some alien, kid or
person with Down’s syndrome. I prefer the apples in this occasion, although not
all of my being would prefer it that way. In this marvelous piece of electronic
engineering, I got a whole library of media, such as videos, documents, images,
music, programs, you name it. It’s not like all of this is from someone else,
either, or that it was information someone else imposed me to get and keep: it’s
all mine, it’s all very relevant to my interests, it’s all an attempt of
showcasing who I am as an individual, a way of expressing what everybody cannot
spot of me at first sight, or more of what someone could infer from me through
conversation. I don’t see this object as most people, I try to keep and use
this kind of childlike-appreciation about it, I try to recognize this object as
a whole concept or idea that serves many evolved purposes of nowadays, I try to
catch as many qualities that make of this object something useful as I can,
etcetera. So, the fact that I feel frustrated, because I want this object to
work and appear as it should (in other words, “ideologically speaking”,
something of that matter) really should be understandable. I rightfully despise
the idea that I get called “materialist” about it, and that I shouldn't worry
that much about it because “there are better things to worry about”. Oh,
really? Which ones? Isn't the scratch on the door of your car something
worry-worthy? Why should you tell me what to feel like and how? Why should ever
my feelings deserve to be inhibited by someone else’s point of view of what
really matters, and what life should be like for an individual?...
I already got a whole list of problems this computer has
already decided to “offer” me, through all of this time, most of these 3 years
I have had the opportunity to have something like this. –I have to say that I
am really grateful to have had the opportunity to own such an object, though.
Since I don’t have any other form of economical income other than what my
mother offers me, in a weekly basis, it’s quite a blessing to me, despite the
point that I have had many problems with this thing, too.—That certain list of
problems and details to which I’m personally responsible for, is something that
also has pointed me out the Law of Attraction, that it could be some kind of
freaking source of new derived problems. I wouldn't like to believe such a
statement, but life shall always be full of possibilities. I guess it’s the
kind of situations I should have to deal with as a self-called “Dreamer”.
Now that I come to think about it, I also like to call
myself that since it makes me feel like I gain some sort of dignity and
identity, somehow, somewhat. And it’s not only because I feel like a
piece-of-crap person, but because I know my Heart will sing and dance in joy if
I ever get to become what I strive for. And, getting back to the main purpose
of the work: I just hope I get the opportunity of meeting such a good computers
technician, in the near future. One that is really skilled, empathetic and honest
in his job, and as a person with a unique moral system, someone like that to
attend my necessities as a concerned-about-technology young person, and a
geek-culture enthusiast, you know? But, well, I’m imminently condemned to my
weak points, my lack of action and belief, my fading self-love and destructing
point of view about my entire life and purpose of existence.
When people (that is, in rare occasions) intend to
convince me that “there is light at the end of the tunnel”, I just hope, in my
mind, that it is the kind of light I need. Not because of what someone else
forces me to believe in, the needs I deserve to receive, that is, but in such a
manner that this creative, graceful, mighty Light helps me the way I yearn for.
I like words because they’re tools and weapons. I just
wish my mind (whatever that is supposed to truthfully be) was as skillful,
developed and designed in such a manner that it felt like home with these
things, words. I just wonder when will I have the chance to be the creator,
designer and judge of my own world, and my being as an individual. Why should
we all “be one”? Why would it be like that? It kind of makes me think about the
meaning of that expression, or idea…
I am, I try to be, I seek to be, but nothing seems to happen in my world, in order to offer me an understanding, magical support, that is. I am forgotten, but still standing. This stranded island of sickening shadows and energy-sucking demons won't defeat me. I hope so.
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